Monday, February 4, 2013

More like Super Suck...

I'm sorry. That wasn't even clever.
I'm having a rough day. Actually, it's the shittiest day ever. EVER. At some point I overestimated my abilities and decided to schedule my diet so that it intersected with Super Bowl Sunday. Intersected isn't the right word. Collided in a fiery explosion of self pity, self deprivation, and sugar-free gum. Yes, that's accurate. This is another reason why resolutions shouldn't start in January. Further, they shouldn't start until after Super Bowl Sunday. Honestly, who the hell thinks it's a great idea to diet on a day that's entire existence is based upon drinking beer and eating every delectable, sinful, indulgent food you can imagine, while sitting in oversized jerseys and watching commercials?!? And there's also a game of some sort.
I am the person that does this. Or has done this, this one time. But, never again, guys. Never. Again.
When I diet, I diet. I focus, I plan, I create deadlines, and I stick to it. Most of the time it's because I'm extremely stubborn and want to see if I can survive it. Evidently I have issues with self-deprivation, which is fun to watch. Enjoy. So, there is no way I can take a "cheat day" or some ridiculous thing like that. Ho ho ho, no! Not this girl. Instead, I suffer through and think that on Monday morning I'll feel like I've accomplished some great feat, albeit a completely unnecessary feat that is completely pointless and makes no difference in the long run. But explaining that to the stubborn little gnome that lives in my brain will get you a disapproving look and probably a kick in the shins. So today, the gnome wins and I will evidently feel elated and full of triumph tomorrow. I'm somewhat positive that this gnome is a sadistic liar.
While "accomplishing" my gnome-imposed goal today (and by "accomplishing" I mean bitching and moaning all day while chewing sugar-free gum), I found myself hiding in the car in front of a rainbow painted pinata store with bars on its windows while an insane man walked into traffic and attempted to fight anything, including moving cars, that crossed his path. I think it goes without saying that I had to travel to the ghetto in order to experience such stunning display of humanity...and probably bath salts. After that delightful outing, we wandered around the Mexican market looking for luchador party supplies, which was super awesome considering that there is obviously mexican food at the Mexican market. This is when the gnome just starts fucking with me for funsies. Anyhow, we left with assorted bottles of Jarritos for the party, which will probably only be used for aesthetic because we don't drink soda and the gnome frowns at sugar, soooo? I also had a moment of, you are the whitest Mexican ever, when I bought multiple cans of tomato paste and enchilada sauce for the sole purpose of using the cute cans for a Pinterest project. Yeah. So that happened.
Then this happened...

And then I watched commercials, chewed more gum, pondered the physics of getting a unicorn horn to stay stuck on my head, Beyonce and her backup singers sang, I sent a video of cats playing a xylophone version of Independent Women to my BBFF, and
Actually, I almost forgot to blog, but my husband asked me if I was blogging when I was emailing wine stores at midnight, as you do, and I thought, you are the worst daily blogger evaaaar! The blog gnome has nothing on the stubborn diet gnome. Actually, the blog gnome is a wuss who get distracted by internet shopping. Loser.
That was the stubborn gnome talking.
Hope you enjoyed a blissful day of carbs and alcohol and football and joy and mirth!!!
I hate you.
Not really, it's just the gnome talking.

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